When it hurts more to be in a relationship than to be out of the relationship, it is time to get out.
I have recently decided to end a relationship with a close family member, because I can no longer tolerate the negativity, hatred and anger exuded by this person.
I have the following dilemmas:
Why is cutting your losses so difficult?
What ways have you found to cut your losses, and how have you learned to deal with it?
The most difficult aspect of this problem is, how will the other person know how you feel.
Do you tell him face to face, write a letter or simply accept the fact that he will never understand it and go on with your life.
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6 comments:
Hello-
Thanks to Dr. Mark for linking to this post...it's an important concept.
Why is it hard? Well, I do think that it should be hard, in the sense that it shouldn't be something we do every day, every time a situation or person doesn't make us "feel good." The fact is, those we love will always have occasions when they let us down and show us their flaws. We will certainly do the same for them. Hanging in there (especially with a spouse) can be a good thing in that circumstance.
However, and it's a big however, what you describe sounds like a truly toxic situation. When faced with one of those, the absolute right thing to do is to NOT hang in there and allow that person to rob us of our peace of mind. So...
What ways have you found to cut your losses, and how have you learned to deal with it?
Do it, and stick with the decision. Do not allow that person to tug at your heartstrings and try to make you hang in there with them. People like that do have a way of pushing our buttons, so prepare yourself and guard yourself. If you think that may happen, forget the face-to-face proclamation. Just move on.
Viviana,
Thank you for taking the time to read my Usable Insight and then be motivated enough to come over to Ed's and post. Thank you also for your very wise counsel on this topic.
Dr. Mark
Telling someone who is toxic that you're cutting them out of your life is a waste of time. If they cared about their relationship with you, they would already have heard what you had to say. My suggestion would be write them a letter, explain your reasoning, put your anger into words, share what you want to accomplish by your actions and then say goodbye in as complete a way as you can. When you're finally done writing, put it aside. If you're not done yet, you'll add a few sentences here or there over the next day or two. When your letter feels complete, do not mail it. Instead, do something symbolic with it. Take it to the beach and give it a send off into the waves. Build a backyard barbeque and dance around the fire as it burns. Bury it in grave in the garden near a favorite flower bush. Mark it as if it were a death -- and a new beginning. And start anew.
Marisa,
I agree completely. Oceans away!
Thanks.
Mark
This comment was e-mailed to me by a friend.
Hi Ed,
Hope this finds you well.
Re: Cutting your loses
As the term implies, cutting your losses is exactly that; so don't look back or else it will keep bugging you and you're effectively NOT cutting those losses. It's difficult becuase you feel that there should be something salvageable in that relationship because you had invested so much into it. The truth is: it wasn't worth your while and had not been for a long time. It's like the movie "The money pit" --- just keep sucking you dry with nothing in return.
BTW, don't bother letting the other person know becuase it will take more energy than it's worth and that person will never get it --- or else you wouldn't have to cut those losses in the first place.
So just close that door and don't look back. If you have to interact with that relative during the holidays and other family gatherings, just be courteous but nothing else.
I had to cut a relative loose that way --- no regrets and no residual baggage. I'm polite to him whenever we run into each other at family gatherings but not much more than that. He will never know nor understand why I've unilaterally ended the interaction because if he had understood he never would have or should have acted the way he did.
Hope this is of some help.
Unfortunately it is tough to cut your losses but some relationships are so toxic that you have no choice. Some relationships are worth changing, but you must realize that you will have to accept the other person because they will not change.
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