In my last blog I discussed letting go of your anger. I decided to confront a toxic relationship with a letter and reaching out to the other person. I sent the letter, but I did not hear from the other party. I figured that everyone was right and it was not worth confronting him. I was ready to cut my losses. Then to my surprise I received a phone call on Tuesday. His response was thank you for your letter, I don't agree with parts of it. I told him that was alright and we talked for awhile. As I mentioned earlier, there is a personal event coming up, and we are going together.
I still believe that there is a time for cutting your losses, but sometimes is necessary to clear the air before moving on.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
LETTING GO OF ANGER
Several months ago I wrote about cutting your losses. I still believe that cutting your losses is important to anyone involved in a toxic relationship.
I now realize that along with cutting your losses it is
important to let go of your anger. In my last blog I discussed a toxic relationship with a family member. It was easy enough not to talk with him, and as most of you advised me there is no sense in confronting him, because he will not change. Since July I found myself thinking about the relationship, not to the point that I was obsessive or upset about it, but I did feel a sense of loss that arose occasionally. I felt like there was unfinished business. For me, the answer was to write a letter explaining how I felt in a positive way without attacking him. This was not an easy task. I also, included a second letter, which held out an olive branch and invited him to a personal event which is important to both of us. I am waiting to see if he responds. If not life will go on.
During the past few weeks there have been a lot of things going on which are not major events, but when combined they seem major. This was compounded since yesterday was the twenty-fifth anniversary of my mothers' suicide. My anger was directed towards an issue which was important to me, but did not warrant the anger I was expressing. Unfortunately, at this time I did not realize that I was directing my anger towards my wife and other family members. I felt hurt, and I was hurting my wife and everyone around me and I could not see it. I could not see past my own hurt. ,It is easy for me to tell someone to let it go, but it is difficult to do myself. What happened to me is I started becoming the person that I was angry with. Not a good thing. It is definitely a time to look back and think about where I am coming from and what is important. The anger hurt me, but more important hurt my wife and other people close to me.
Over the past few years I have seen several cases where anger is the emotion that drives relationships. Anger leads to more anger and may eventually lead to hatred, especially if we do not know why the other person is angry with us. If you are angry address it, but think about it and make sure you are not hurting anyone else. If you are angry with someone, talk to them. Maybe what you are angry about is not as important as you think and you need to let it go.
Remember, THINK ABOUT IT, BUT LET IT GO.
I now realize that along with cutting your losses it is
important to let go of your anger. In my last blog I discussed a toxic relationship with a family member. It was easy enough not to talk with him, and as most of you advised me there is no sense in confronting him, because he will not change. Since July I found myself thinking about the relationship, not to the point that I was obsessive or upset about it, but I did feel a sense of loss that arose occasionally. I felt like there was unfinished business. For me, the answer was to write a letter explaining how I felt in a positive way without attacking him. This was not an easy task. I also, included a second letter, which held out an olive branch and invited him to a personal event which is important to both of us. I am waiting to see if he responds. If not life will go on.During the past few weeks there have been a lot of things going on which are not major events, but when combined they seem major. This was compounded since yesterday was the twenty-fifth anniversary of my mothers' suicide. My anger was directed towards an issue which was important to me, but did not warrant the anger I was expressing. Unfortunately, at this time I did not realize that I was directing my anger towards my wife and other family members. I felt hurt, and I was hurting my wife and everyone around me and I could not see it. I could not see past my own hurt. ,It is easy for me to tell someone to let it go, but it is difficult to do myself. What happened to me is I started becoming the person that I was angry with. Not a good thing. It is definitely a time to look back and think about where I am coming from and what is important. The anger hurt me, but more important hurt my wife and other people close to me.
Over the past few years I have seen several cases where anger is the emotion that drives relationships. Anger leads to more anger and may eventually lead to hatred, especially if we do not know why the other person is angry with us. If you are angry address it, but think about it and make sure you are not hurting anyone else. If you are angry with someone, talk to them. Maybe what you are angry about is not as important as you think and you need to let it go.
Remember, THINK ABOUT IT, BUT LET IT GO.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
CUTTING YOUR LOSSES
When it hurts more to be in a relationship than to be out of the relationship, it is time to get out.
I have recently decided to end a relationship with a close family member, because I can no longer tolerate the negativity, hatred and anger exuded by this person.
I have the following dilemmas:
Why is cutting your losses so difficult?
What ways have you found to cut your losses, and how have you learned to deal with it?
The most difficult aspect of this problem is, how will the other person know how you feel.
Do you tell him face to face, write a letter or simply accept the fact that he will never understand it and go on with your life.
I have recently decided to end a relationship with a close family member, because I can no longer tolerate the negativity, hatred and anger exuded by this person.
I have the following dilemmas:
Why is cutting your losses so difficult?
What ways have you found to cut your losses, and how have you learned to deal with it?
The most difficult aspect of this problem is, how will the other person know how you feel.
Do you tell him face to face, write a letter or simply accept the fact that he will never understand it and go on with your life.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
JENNY CRAIG COMMERCIALS
Hi Everybody:
Today's Thought of the Day is different than in the past. While I was watching TV today I was bombarded by Jenny Craig commercials and I asked myself the following question: Would the world be a better place without Jenny Craig commercials?
My answer is yes.
My reasoning is, first there was Kirsti Ali, who looks like me in drag. Then there is Valerie Bertinelli, who is so bubbly and obnoxious, she makes you want to throw up. Now there is Queen Latifa, who not only looks like me, but she is also built like me.
Let me know what you think.
Today's Thought of the Day is different than in the past. While I was watching TV today I was bombarded by Jenny Craig commercials and I asked myself the following question: Would the world be a better place without Jenny Craig commercials?
My answer is yes.
My reasoning is, first there was Kirsti Ali, who looks like me in drag. Then there is Valerie Bertinelli, who is so bubbly and obnoxious, she makes you want to throw up. Now there is Queen Latifa, who not only looks like me, but she is also built like me.
Let me know what you think.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT
In a long line of questions to come, I am again asking for your help.
Disappointment is inevitable and disappointment is out of your control. When you are feeling disappointed what do you do to keep from getting angry or depressed?
Disappointment is inevitable and disappointment is out of your control. When you are feeling disappointed what do you do to keep from getting angry or depressed?
Friday, May 23, 2008
SUMMARY
The Mental Masturbator is someone we all know. They may be a relative, friend, colleague, acquaintance, etc. Everyone is affected by the Mental Masturbator at some time. There are three categories that we are concerned with: The Obsessive Mental Masturbator, the Narcissistic Mental Masturbator, and the Defensive Mental Masturbator.
Read on; see if anyone you know is a Mental Masturbator.
THE MENTAL MASTURBATOR
The Mental Masturbator (MMB) is someone we all know, and continuously drives you crazy. Avoidance is often difficult because they may be a fellow worker, friend or relative.
Initially I will discuss three types of MMB: the Obsessive MMB, the Narcissistic MMB and the Defensive MMB. Everyone can display any of these characteristics at any given time. The problem arises when their lives are totally controlled by their Mental Masturbation. Each of these individuals, are difficult to deal with and must be treated with extreme sensitivity. The difficulty is that in the Chronic Mental Masturbator they must be dealt with or avoided.
The Obsessive Mental Masturbator will talk about the same thing over and over again. Each new event is a new trauma, and they will repeat it over and over again. The Obsessive MMB is irrational, and does not have the understanding that they are affecting the few relationships they have. They will most likely give up a relationship rather than accept the existence of a problem. They will try to strengthen their positions by mentioning other people, stating that person X or Y believes what they believe. When challenged about the responses of person X or Y they become defensive, and make statements like, it never hurts to have the opinion of others, or they will continue to express the opinions of person X or Y, even after being told there is no interest in what person X or Y has to say. If they are told that there is no reason to discuss this issue, they may change the subject for a short period or they may continue on with the subject, but they will eventually resume their discussion of the subject.
How to deal with the Obsessive MMB? Avoidance is one option. Limited contact is probably the best way to deal with them, with less contact as time goes on. This may not always be acceptable depending on the relationship, because there is no good way of dealing with these individuals. Confrontation or speaking with them honestly may result in anger or they may disagree and return to their other sources. Other sources may include friends, fellow workers, or anyone they can find. At times the problem may become so extreme that they will require professional help, but they most likely will find someone that will agree with them, and they will not get the help they need. At this time reverse avoidance or reverse limited contact occurs with the person that suggested the professional help. In any case, the Obsessive MMB’s problem will never be resolved they just go on to new issues and never resolve the old issues.
The Narcissistic Mental Masturbator constantly talks about him or herself. They may also possess traits similar to the Obsessive MMB. No matter what is said to them they continue talking about themselves.
How to deal with the Narcissistic MMB? There is no good way of dealing with them. Most subjects or situations that are discussed will be turned around to them. If health issues are discussed they will turn it around to themselves. The same is true for work related issues, no one has worse working conditions than they do, and no one works with the caliber of employee they work with. Nothing ever suits them, there is always too much traffic, the food upsets their stomach, etc. It is not uncommon for an individual to be diagnosed as a Multiple MMB (Obsessive MMB and Narcissistic MMB). It is usually impossible to change the multiple MMB, spend as little time with them as possible. They will make arrangements to meet socially but in reality they would rather not leave their protective environment.
The Defensive Mental Masturbator’s are constantly trying to prove themselves, and use one up-man-ship as their modus operandi. They will thank you and in the same sentence attack you. You will never see it coming and can never prepare for it.
How to deal with the Defensive MMB? Dealing with them depends on you. The main question that you should consider is: do I care, am I really upset by their comments and is it worth dealing with? If you don’t care, don’t worry about it. If it is a situation in which the results are upsetting to you and you feel strongly that if someone is going to be upset, me, or the other person, it might as well be them. Try to be as tactful as possible. Probably the thing to do is address it in a manner which hopefully will not upset them, but you may want to ask why are they bringing it up now or why didn’t they tell you when it happened. In any case there is a good chance that this person is looking for a fight, and you are being attacked because there is no one else to attack. It is important to stand up for yourself, but remember the Defensive MMB will probably blame you, and will expect you to remedy the problem with some type of apology or other compensatory gesture. At this point it is up to you. It may involve more people than yourself, so think about them as well as yourself. Remember, there will always be conditions and they will most likely find a way to try and make you miserable.
The Mental Masturbator is someone we all know. They may be a relative, friend, colleague, acquaintance, etc. Everyone is affected by the Mental Masturbator at some time. There are three categories that we are concerned with: The Obsessive Mental Masturbator, the Narcissistic Mental Masturbator, and the Defensive Mental Masturbator.
Read on; see if anyone you know is a Mental Masturbator.
THE MENTAL MASTURBATOR
The Mental Masturbator (MMB) is someone we all know, and continuously drives you crazy. Avoidance is often difficult because they may be a fellow worker, friend or relative.
Initially I will discuss three types of MMB: the Obsessive MMB, the Narcissistic MMB and the Defensive MMB. Everyone can display any of these characteristics at any given time. The problem arises when their lives are totally controlled by their Mental Masturbation. Each of these individuals, are difficult to deal with and must be treated with extreme sensitivity. The difficulty is that in the Chronic Mental Masturbator they must be dealt with or avoided.
The Obsessive Mental Masturbator will talk about the same thing over and over again. Each new event is a new trauma, and they will repeat it over and over again. The Obsessive MMB is irrational, and does not have the understanding that they are affecting the few relationships they have. They will most likely give up a relationship rather than accept the existence of a problem. They will try to strengthen their positions by mentioning other people, stating that person X or Y believes what they believe. When challenged about the responses of person X or Y they become defensive, and make statements like, it never hurts to have the opinion of others, or they will continue to express the opinions of person X or Y, even after being told there is no interest in what person X or Y has to say. If they are told that there is no reason to discuss this issue, they may change the subject for a short period or they may continue on with the subject, but they will eventually resume their discussion of the subject.
How to deal with the Obsessive MMB? Avoidance is one option. Limited contact is probably the best way to deal with them, with less contact as time goes on. This may not always be acceptable depending on the relationship, because there is no good way of dealing with these individuals. Confrontation or speaking with them honestly may result in anger or they may disagree and return to their other sources. Other sources may include friends, fellow workers, or anyone they can find. At times the problem may become so extreme that they will require professional help, but they most likely will find someone that will agree with them, and they will not get the help they need. At this time reverse avoidance or reverse limited contact occurs with the person that suggested the professional help. In any case, the Obsessive MMB’s problem will never be resolved they just go on to new issues and never resolve the old issues.
The Narcissistic Mental Masturbator constantly talks about him or herself. They may also possess traits similar to the Obsessive MMB. No matter what is said to them they continue talking about themselves.
How to deal with the Narcissistic MMB? There is no good way of dealing with them. Most subjects or situations that are discussed will be turned around to them. If health issues are discussed they will turn it around to themselves. The same is true for work related issues, no one has worse working conditions than they do, and no one works with the caliber of employee they work with. Nothing ever suits them, there is always too much traffic, the food upsets their stomach, etc. It is not uncommon for an individual to be diagnosed as a Multiple MMB (Obsessive MMB and Narcissistic MMB). It is usually impossible to change the multiple MMB, spend as little time with them as possible. They will make arrangements to meet socially but in reality they would rather not leave their protective environment.
The Defensive Mental Masturbator’s are constantly trying to prove themselves, and use one up-man-ship as their modus operandi. They will thank you and in the same sentence attack you. You will never see it coming and can never prepare for it.
How to deal with the Defensive MMB? Dealing with them depends on you. The main question that you should consider is: do I care, am I really upset by their comments and is it worth dealing with? If you don’t care, don’t worry about it. If it is a situation in which the results are upsetting to you and you feel strongly that if someone is going to be upset, me, or the other person, it might as well be them. Try to be as tactful as possible. Probably the thing to do is address it in a manner which hopefully will not upset them, but you may want to ask why are they bringing it up now or why didn’t they tell you when it happened. In any case there is a good chance that this person is looking for a fight, and you are being attacked because there is no one else to attack. It is important to stand up for yourself, but remember the Defensive MMB will probably blame you, and will expect you to remedy the problem with some type of apology or other compensatory gesture. At this point it is up to you. It may involve more people than yourself, so think about them as well as yourself. Remember, there will always be conditions and they will most likely find a way to try and make you miserable.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
HOW TO RESPOND TO CONTINUOUS QUESTIONS REGARDING AN ILLNESS
Hi Everybody:
I know I haven't written for awhile but hopefully, I will get started again soon.
This is really not a thought of the day, rather, it is a question to a dilemma I don't know how to handle without offending someone.
As you know, I have had numerous surgeries during the past few years, including one two weeks ago. The problem is that there are some people who continuously question everything about the surgery, who was your doctor, what did they do, how long will your recovery be, what medicines and how much do you take, how many stitches, etc.
Now I don't mind people asking questions, but I get a little upset when things get personal and they always want to know every detail of everything, but when they are in a similar situation they won't answer anything. I don't understand why they have to ask all these questions, and want to know every minute detail. I really do appreciate people taking an interest in me, but I don't feel the need to discuss everything down to how many pieces of gauze they used.
When these questions are asked, my antenna goes up and I get upset, because I don't feel the need to discuss every little detail. If I answer I get upset, and if I don't they get upset and there is a good chance that Judy may get upset with me. My theory is that since I get upset when I have to answer these questions, I feel that it I'd rather have them upset rather than me.
This is where I need your help. Is there a way I can answer them without offending them and still feel I am being true to myself. Is there a way I can tell them it is none of there business in a nice way?
One thing that was mentioned to me is simply say I don't want to discuss this right now, but the problem is I never know when they are going to spring it on me. Another thing I thought, of is just lying and making up a name, etc., but I am not sure that this is the answer.
Please, I need your help, let me know how you would handle this problem.
Ed
The responses I received are listed below:
-Ask them, why do you ask? Your health is your personal life and if you want someone to know when you last took a shit, how long your toe nails are and what you had for breakfast you’ll tell them. If not then they don’t need to know. As you said, you can be “polite” and give them vague responses. I’m feeling better thanks for asking. Or start asking them when they last had sex, how much $ they make, etc.
I find certain people just want to know all about everyone but won’t divulge anything about themselves. Why indulge them?
Yes, you do have a dilemma and the best way in my opinion to handle it is to say.............1) you don't know as you didn't ask (to any questions), or 2) I have forgotten but things are coming along well and thanks for asking,or
was and I do hope you are feeling well. ANYTHING we can do for either of you, please let us know. It would be our pleasure to help you.
What a dilemma!! I can feel your pain. I try not to ask many questions because I don’t like to be interrogated myself. I wonder if you could merely say “I do not feel comfortable talking about the details. Can we talk about something else?” By the way, how are you feeling now?? Hope that you have a fast and complete recovery.
-Hi Ed,
Hope you're feling better.
Here's my suggestion on an answer to the questions; "Why do you want to know?"
It seems to work.
I think people should respect your wishes. Needless to say I understand completely having gone thru my situation for 4 years. You notice when I call I say how are you? Was it a success? Are you going to have theraphy? I love you and wish you well. This is short and sweet but I think I can even pare this down. But in any case I never would want you to think that I didn’t care—you know differently. Love
If everything went well, just say thank you for your concern and everything went well and, by the way, they used 14 pieces of gauze.
Embellish, exaggerate and lie. If you keep a straight face and seriously "add" intricate details, people will believe you.
I had this same problem when we adopted our daughter from Korea, ridiculous inquiries and comments from friends and strangers. Is she yours? Is your wife, the mother, Japanese? Can't you have babies of your own? Does she speak English (at 4 months old)? She no Korean, she look Chinese. She doesn't look too Jewish. Your baby looks Asian.. does she have Downs Syndrome?
My standard answers and responses that people would believe included; My baby is actually my biological daughter... my wife had acupuncture during the 8th month of pregnancy. To be honest, and it's difficult to admit to a stranger, but I had an affair with a waitress in a Chinese restaurant and my wife let me keep the baby. My baby is really mine... my sperm got altered after I ate too much Chinese food before having sex with my wife.
I think you should just tell inquisitive people that you were undergoing several surgeries in preparation for your sex change operation, and in preparing for your transition you severely injured your ankle when you started learning to walk using high heel shoes and later injured your hand testing your new altered anatomy, during clitoral stimulation.
If they accuse you of not telling the truth, blame it on the drugs (pain medication).
Or instead of telling lies, give very explicit gory bloody details and accurate descriptions of your surgeries.
Or hand the telephone to Judy.
Or tell them I'm your doctor, give them my telephone number or email address, and I will answer all their questions (with your permission).
I hope you are feeling better. Say hi to Judy.
-Ann Landers had a good answer for people who pry too much:
I'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR ASKING IF YOU FORGIVE ME FOR NOT ANSWERING.
-Every time they ask (even if it is at that moment) say it again. They will eventually get the message.
Remember my eye, the surgery and my prosthetic. People can be rude and intrusive. I think it is best of my experience to simply say what was wrong and what was fixed then try to go on to other subjects and tell the person that it would be best for your total recovery to focus on the future and other things rather than dwell on the past. This has seemed to work for me in that after the first few minutes, you can focus on new things and current problems. Thanks for asking, a wise man listens to others and then makes up his mind. A fool does not listen to anyone but himself. This is also a major reason that we have so many problems in the world today in my opinion.
-hello Edward,
If all these people are your friends, they should understand that you and Judy are going through a difficult period of time now. There thoughts and prayers should always be there for the 2 of you. A real friend will understand that too much information given is to hard for you mentally and physically, they really have no idea how hard this has been for you. By offering their love and kindness to you can be very comfort to you. Friends will always be there to offer what they can do for you. In my case I always ask how you are doing, no details asked, and I'm always there for the both of you.
Your friends have no idea how hard this has been for you, unless you go through it, then one really knows. Even though we don't communicate alot, I'm a friend, who if you need will always be there for you and judy. Sometimes you have to be honest with your loved one's in a direct fashion.
My support to you will always be there, if you need me for anything, just call. I pray to god for your complete recovery in due time. You and judy inspire me in all that has been happening to you both, the love is there and will always continue to be there.
There comes a time that too much information requested by friends and loved ones creates overload for you. If they are your real friends, they need to know to stop with all the questions, and just offer their support and love for you both.
I hope this makes sense, and everyone should let up a little.
your friend,
-Hi Ed,First of all, I hope I'm not "one of those people", if I am, thenletme the first to apologize. If I do ask any questions demandingdetail, it may measure the depth of my concern not the level of my"nosiness".Second, I take great pride in being open about myself to the point of"transparancy". So I ususally dish out what I am willing to take in,as well.I would, in general, make it known far and wide, family, friend and/oracquaintance, as a basic policy I would appreciate, for "personalreasons" (stress, anxiety or irritability) if, in ant futureconversations, could you please, as a courtesy steer clear of thesesensitive issues and dwell on other matters more pleasant anduplifting. Let it be known where you stand and that your feelings berespected. . .life is tough enough without hecklers pounding at you,even if the intentions are motivated in legiitimate feelings ofcompassion and genuine concern,there are just sbjects, at this moment in time, you find disagreeableand objectionable right now. If people are your friends, even if theydon not understand your motives, at the very least, they shouldrespect your feelings!I'm on my way to Chabad now for Shabbat service, but I felt I hadaddress this letter and could not defer my reaction until later. Idon't know if this will help or if I am the "culprit", but eieitherway my words are from the heart for whatever it's worth!
-Hi Ed: I finally got an email from you!! I don't know why it came through, but that's good news.I think saying "Thank you for your concern, but I'm not going to be discussing what happened in detail because I want to let this go out of my life and talking about it to others keeps it in."I hope you realize we are all concerned and want to see you healthy and well. Each person thinks he or she is the only one asking, but when you know many people you are telling it over and over. Thank you for letting me know how you feel about this.You could also send one email to everyone with the details and get it all over with at once or is that TMI for some.Be well
But you do know that I said in this scenario when a person is being nosy - I do basically try very hard not to offend, embarrass etc people and hopefully am usually successful!! (in other words I try to practice extreme tact!) Everyone here is well, Daniel just graduated college and is starting Downstate medical school (in brooklyn) this August. Love you both!!
I know I haven't written for awhile but hopefully, I will get started again soon.
This is really not a thought of the day, rather, it is a question to a dilemma I don't know how to handle without offending someone.
As you know, I have had numerous surgeries during the past few years, including one two weeks ago. The problem is that there are some people who continuously question everything about the surgery, who was your doctor, what did they do, how long will your recovery be, what medicines and how much do you take, how many stitches, etc.
Now I don't mind people asking questions, but I get a little upset when things get personal and they always want to know every detail of everything, but when they are in a similar situation they won't answer anything. I don't understand why they have to ask all these questions, and want to know every minute detail. I really do appreciate people taking an interest in me, but I don't feel the need to discuss everything down to how many pieces of gauze they used.
When these questions are asked, my antenna goes up and I get upset, because I don't feel the need to discuss every little detail. If I answer I get upset, and if I don't they get upset and there is a good chance that Judy may get upset with me. My theory is that since I get upset when I have to answer these questions, I feel that it I'd rather have them upset rather than me.
This is where I need your help. Is there a way I can answer them without offending them and still feel I am being true to myself. Is there a way I can tell them it is none of there business in a nice way?
One thing that was mentioned to me is simply say I don't want to discuss this right now, but the problem is I never know when they are going to spring it on me. Another thing I thought, of is just lying and making up a name, etc., but I am not sure that this is the answer.
Please, I need your help, let me know how you would handle this problem.
Ed
The responses I received are listed below:
-Ask them, why do you ask? Your health is your personal life and if you want someone to know when you last took a shit, how long your toe nails are and what you had for breakfast you’ll tell them. If not then they don’t need to know. As you said, you can be “polite” and give them vague responses. I’m feeling better thanks for asking. Or start asking them when they last had sex, how much $ they make, etc.
I find certain people just want to know all about everyone but won’t divulge anything about themselves. Why indulge them?
Yes, you do have a dilemma and the best way in my opinion to handle it is to say.............1) you don't know as you didn't ask (to any questions), or 2) I have forgotten but things are coming along well and thanks for asking,or
was and I do hope you are feeling well. ANYTHING we can do for either of you, please let us know. It would be our pleasure to help you.
What a dilemma!! I can feel your pain. I try not to ask many questions because I don’t like to be interrogated myself. I wonder if you could merely say “I do not feel comfortable talking about the details. Can we talk about something else?” By the way, how are you feeling now?? Hope that you have a fast and complete recovery.
-Hi Ed,
Hope you're feling better.
Here's my suggestion on an answer to the questions; "Why do you want to know?"
It seems to work.
I think people should respect your wishes. Needless to say I understand completely having gone thru my situation for 4 years. You notice when I call I say how are you? Was it a success? Are you going to have theraphy? I love you and wish you well. This is short and sweet but I think I can even pare this down. But in any case I never would want you to think that I didn’t care—you know differently. Love
If everything went well, just say thank you for your concern and everything went well and, by the way, they used 14 pieces of gauze.
Embellish, exaggerate and lie. If you keep a straight face and seriously "add" intricate details, people will believe you.
I had this same problem when we adopted our daughter from Korea, ridiculous inquiries and comments from friends and strangers. Is she yours? Is your wife, the mother, Japanese? Can't you have babies of your own? Does she speak English (at 4 months old)? She no Korean, she look Chinese. She doesn't look too Jewish. Your baby looks Asian.. does she have Downs Syndrome?
My standard answers and responses that people would believe included; My baby is actually my biological daughter... my wife had acupuncture during the 8th month of pregnancy. To be honest, and it's difficult to admit to a stranger, but I had an affair with a waitress in a Chinese restaurant and my wife let me keep the baby. My baby is really mine... my sperm got altered after I ate too much Chinese food before having sex with my wife.
I think you should just tell inquisitive people that you were undergoing several surgeries in preparation for your sex change operation, and in preparing for your transition you severely injured your ankle when you started learning to walk using high heel shoes and later injured your hand testing your new altered anatomy, during clitoral stimulation.
If they accuse you of not telling the truth, blame it on the drugs (pain medication).
Or instead of telling lies, give very explicit gory bloody details and accurate descriptions of your surgeries.
Or hand the telephone to Judy.
Or tell them I'm your doctor, give them my telephone number or email address, and I will answer all their questions (with your permission).
I hope you are feeling better. Say hi to Judy.
-Ann Landers had a good answer for people who pry too much:
I'LL FORGIVE YOU FOR ASKING IF YOU FORGIVE ME FOR NOT ANSWERING.
-Every time they ask (even if it is at that moment) say it again. They will eventually get the message.
Remember my eye, the surgery and my prosthetic. People can be rude and intrusive. I think it is best of my experience to simply say what was wrong and what was fixed then try to go on to other subjects and tell the person that it would be best for your total recovery to focus on the future and other things rather than dwell on the past. This has seemed to work for me in that after the first few minutes, you can focus on new things and current problems. Thanks for asking, a wise man listens to others and then makes up his mind. A fool does not listen to anyone but himself. This is also a major reason that we have so many problems in the world today in my opinion.
-hello Edward,
If all these people are your friends, they should understand that you and Judy are going through a difficult period of time now. There thoughts and prayers should always be there for the 2 of you. A real friend will understand that too much information given is to hard for you mentally and physically, they really have no idea how hard this has been for you. By offering their love and kindness to you can be very comfort to you. Friends will always be there to offer what they can do for you. In my case I always ask how you are doing, no details asked, and I'm always there for the both of you.
Your friends have no idea how hard this has been for you, unless you go through it, then one really knows. Even though we don't communicate alot, I'm a friend, who if you need will always be there for you and judy. Sometimes you have to be honest with your loved one's in a direct fashion.
My support to you will always be there, if you need me for anything, just call. I pray to god for your complete recovery in due time. You and judy inspire me in all that has been happening to you both, the love is there and will always continue to be there.
There comes a time that too much information requested by friends and loved ones creates overload for you. If they are your real friends, they need to know to stop with all the questions, and just offer their support and love for you both.
I hope this makes sense, and everyone should let up a little.
your friend,
-Hi Ed,First of all, I hope I'm not "one of those people", if I am, thenletme the first to apologize. If I do ask any questions demandingdetail, it may measure the depth of my concern not the level of my"nosiness".Second, I take great pride in being open about myself to the point of"transparancy". So I ususally dish out what I am willing to take in,as well.I would, in general, make it known far and wide, family, friend and/oracquaintance, as a basic policy I would appreciate, for "personalreasons" (stress, anxiety or irritability) if, in ant futureconversations, could you please, as a courtesy steer clear of thesesensitive issues and dwell on other matters more pleasant anduplifting. Let it be known where you stand and that your feelings berespected. . .life is tough enough without hecklers pounding at you,even if the intentions are motivated in legiitimate feelings ofcompassion and genuine concern,there are just sbjects, at this moment in time, you find disagreeableand objectionable right now. If people are your friends, even if theydon not understand your motives, at the very least, they shouldrespect your feelings!I'm on my way to Chabad now for Shabbat service, but I felt I hadaddress this letter and could not defer my reaction until later. Idon't know if this will help or if I am the "culprit", but eieitherway my words are from the heart for whatever it's worth!
-Hi Ed: I finally got an email from you!! I don't know why it came through, but that's good news.I think saying "Thank you for your concern, but I'm not going to be discussing what happened in detail because I want to let this go out of my life and talking about it to others keeps it in."I hope you realize we are all concerned and want to see you healthy and well. Each person thinks he or she is the only one asking, but when you know many people you are telling it over and over. Thank you for letting me know how you feel about this.You could also send one email to everyone with the details and get it all over with at once or is that TMI for some.Be well
But you do know that I said in this scenario when a person is being nosy - I do basically try very hard not to offend, embarrass etc people and hopefully am usually successful!! (in other words I try to practice extreme tact!) Everyone here is well, Daniel just graduated college and is starting Downstate medical school (in brooklyn) this August. Love you both!!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
LIVE FOR TODAY
Hi Everybody:
As you may have noticed I have fallen behind on my Thoughts of the Day. I have no excuses, but I am trying to get them going again.
Yesterday I discovered that one of our neighbors died suddenly last week of a stroke. He was 57 years old. We saw an ambulance, on our block, last Saturday night, but we did not know who it was for. The day before, his father-in-law died, who lived in the unit below him. It is interesting that none of the neighbors knew about either death until a week later.
It makes you realize that life is a gift and we should all live it one day at a time. We do not know what tomorrow may bring. Remember the words of the "Grass Roots", in the '60's: "Live for today and don't worry about tomorrow".
It also reminds me that no matter how bad things are, there is always someone who is worse off. It makes me realize that we should all be thankful for what we have.
Please let me know what you think. You can reply by e-mail or you can reply to:
http://www.edsthoughtoftheday.blogspot.com/
I hope everybody is doing well.
Please let me know what you think.
Ed
As you may have noticed I have fallen behind on my Thoughts of the Day. I have no excuses, but I am trying to get them going again.
Yesterday I discovered that one of our neighbors died suddenly last week of a stroke. He was 57 years old. We saw an ambulance, on our block, last Saturday night, but we did not know who it was for. The day before, his father-in-law died, who lived in the unit below him. It is interesting that none of the neighbors knew about either death until a week later.
It makes you realize that life is a gift and we should all live it one day at a time. We do not know what tomorrow may bring. Remember the words of the "Grass Roots", in the '60's: "Live for today and don't worry about tomorrow".
It also reminds me that no matter how bad things are, there is always someone who is worse off. It makes me realize that we should all be thankful for what we have.
Please let me know what you think. You can reply by e-mail or you can reply to:
http://www.edsthoughtoftheday.blogspot.com/
I hope everybody is doing well.
Please let me know what you think.
Ed
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